I want to preface this post by saying that what I wrote below feels a bit like throwing caution to the wind, even for this self-proclaimed over-sharer.
I live in a pretty constant state of reflection, which can be both a blessing and a curse depending on the day. As I laid on the table during my first acupuncture appointment a few weeks back it was only right that my mind begin to mull over the events that had unfolded throughout the last year. I could feel the tightness in the back of my throat with each needle Dr. Hona stuck in my extremities. Perhaps you’re familiar with the sensation. It comes right before a good, cleansing cry.
Rock bottom isn’t waking up in your apartment 500 miles away from your closest friends and family, alone for the first time in your 29 years of life after ending your engagement. And it isn’t waking up on your bathroom floor in need of 13 stitches in your forehead after succumbing to the perfect storm of mental and physical exhaustion, either. Actually, if it weren’t for my journal, I’m not really sure I would even be able to recall that place in time. How it looked and what it felt like.
Rock bottom was staring back at me in the mirror as I sat in the front entryway of my apartment grappling for one single thing I felt like I was doing right in my life. But I had nothing.
Laura Dern wrote that most of your life will happen in the gray space between bliss and heartbreak, between having everything lock into place and having it all fall apart. She said that’s where you’ll find the grace. I wasn’t sure I deserved to give myself grace though. Not this time.
I’m forever perplexed by how a seemingly teeny tiny blip on the radar of life for others can create such a tsunami-like effect on me. I guess I just feel things more deeply. While that’s something I’ve really come to embrace about myself, it’s also cause for a decent amount of questioning when it comes to validation.
I realized rejection in any form hurts and there’s really nothing else to it.
I made promises I didn’t keep. To both myself and to others.
I reveled in the fact that someone told me I was funny and that my wit was attractive.
I learned that it’s my responsibility to manage my expectations of others.
I let my feet dangle 1,000 feet above the Caribbean Sea (actually, come to think of it, that might have been the Atlantic Ocean, idk
I felt immense regret for my actions. I also did a few things most others might think I should feel regret for, but I don’t.
I came to the conclusion that nothing is fair in love and Tinder (or Bumble, Hinge, or The League, for that matter).
I felt embarrassed.
I met people who left a mark on my heart forever.
I was reminded over and over again just how paramount the relationship you hold with yourself is.
I thought maybe I do want to have kids one day, which if you know me, is every bit as shocking for me to type out as it is for you to read. And not because I don’t love kids. More so because even at 31 I can barely take care of myself.
I journaled a lot.
I listened to music that changed me.
I voted.
I found comfort in the fact that soulmates don’t only come in the form of a romantic relationship.
I laughed until my cheeks hurt.
I dipped my toes in the icy waters of Lake Michigan.
I felt loss.
I knew better, but I did it anyway.
I worked out in just a sports bra.
I donated blood.
I went on more first dates than I can count, and a handful of second dates, too.
I spent a long weekend in Chicago with my best girlfriends celebrating another year of life and will probably have the tan lines from my sunburn until the day I die.
I let anxiety over things I can’t control rob me of sleep.
I wondered, “what if?”
I ate pizza in my bed.
I stood up for myself.
I was there for my friends when they needed me the most. And they were there for me.
I contemplated whether or not Chicago is my forever home.
I did a cartwheel.
I swore I would never drink again.
I tried new foods and much to my surprise, I actually liked some of them.
I gave myself permission to change my mind.
I saw someone for who they really were and found it in me to cut ties.
I set a new personal record in the half marathon and then cried into my can of beer at the finish line, as one does.
I said I wasn’t going to live life as a watered down version of myself.
I worked to mend relationships in my life that had been strained.
I reminded myself that weird is good.
I told myself I deserve to be happy. Like really. fucking. happy.
I got a little moon tattoo (which is the ruling planet of my sign, Cancer) to remind me to keep trusting my intuition, that it’s okay to be vulnerable, to keep wearing my heart on my sleeve, and most importantly, I got it to remind myself that my feelings are valid and they run deep.
I felt the sense of community here.
I can’t quite put into words what your readership means to me. I’ve tried and it’s never enough. You’ve changed my life and I’m forever grateful for that.
I can tell 2019 is going to be a radically transformative year and I hope you’re as excited as I am for the fresh slate the turn of the calendar brings, should you need one.
My wish for you in the coming year is that the universe gives what you need, which I’ve learned, is not to be confused with what you want.
One last thing, don’t forget that not a whole lot of people are out there posting their failures for all to see, k? We will all get there, eventually.
Love always, Jess A few more personal posts: In My Next 30 Years and A Lot Can Happen In a Year.
God, I am so proud of you Jessica! I love you so much kid.
Well, thank you! Means a whole lot 🙂
This blog post has given me life – that I needed. Your words are inspiring and thank you for sharing this.♥️
I’m so glad that it resonated with you and appreciate you letting me know!
<3
That’s supposed to be a heart Lol!
I figured haha
I want to be you when I grow up! Love you Jess!!
Coming from wonder woman herself ; ) Love you my Meggy!
Hi Jess! I don’t know you personally, but I’m friends with Katie Niemiec and Sarah Christiansen and have been following you for awhile! I absolutely adored this post and really appreciate your raw honesty and bravery in sharing it. It’s not easy being vulnerable, let alone in front of thousands of readers, however, I think it probably felt liberating to publish this in a sense. I wish you the best of luck in 2019 and have a sneaky feeling good things are coming your way!
Thank you for leaving me such a nice note, Kaylee! I appreciate you saying these things more than you know. It really did clear up some mental space for me and I feel so much better because of it. Happy happy new year! 🙂
Meeting you was easily one of my favorite parts of 2018, Jess. You are an incredible human being and I feel so lucky to call you a friend! Thank you for always allowing me to be vulnerable and listening without judgement. You’re so right — weird IS good. 🙂 Also, I think I’m going to put a post-it on my door that says “We will all get there eventually.” xo
The feeling is mutual! I can’t tell you how much this little note means to me. You should! Post-it notes on mirrors are my kinda thing 😉
Thank you for sharing your deepest, darkest secrets. Inspiring the next one to do so for we all have them. Bless you & this article Jess!
Ah, thank you so much KJ! Happiest of new years to you 🙂
Girl you are amazing and have SO MUCH going for you!! I believe in you and you will have an amazing 2019!! 🙂
xo, Sarah
Thank you so so much girlfriend!Looking forward to catching up over a “water” with you soon 😉 Happy New Year!
Love the sentiment here. It’s courageous to recognize that sometimes we really are flailing and giving ourselves negative self talk but I love that you’re finding hope in accomplishments big and small – hard and wonderful – in this post. Love your words and here’s to a wonderful 2019!
Thank you so much, Meghan! Cheers to the new year 🙂 and hopefully finally meeting in person!
I’m so proud of you Jess! Even if I don’t personally know you, I’ve felt like I’ve grown with you since your first started the little space. You’re an amazing human that thinks deeply about life and I admire you for that. I like that you said that we don’t post our failures — that’s so true! Wishing you many blessings in 2019, friend. You inspire me. ♡, Jessika
Thank you so much, Jessika! That makes me so happy to hear and I appreciate the kind words more than you know. Wishing the same for you! 🙂
proud of you sweet friend ❤️
Love you! So thankful to have you in my life.
💛 thank you for being you! Genuine, fun, and true to yourself! Looking forward to more of your posts and would be interested in learning how you got yourself in the habit of journaling, something I struggle with. ⭐️
Thank you for saying that, Lenel! Means a lot to me. I get a lot of questions about journaling and am going to put together a full blog post on it! 🙂
I loved reading this! I actually found myself a little disappointed when the list ended. Thank you for being so raw and putting yourself out there!
Ah Nancy, thank you so much for saying that! I could have kept going, but wasn’t sure how long you guys would stick with me haha. Thank you for reading and following along with me! If there is anything you want to see more of this year, I’m all ears!
I can understand why your Mom is so proud of you. It sounds like you had a pretty rough year but you learned so much about yourself. What an absolute awakening. Spending time with yourself is invaluable and I wish you the very best in 2019.
Hi Patti, this comment is the sweetest. Thank you so much for saying that! I love what you said about it being an awakening. Going to write that down 🙂 Thank you again and cheers to the new year!